Very few things sharpen your handyman skills quite like owning a house or a car. Eventually, things are going to break. That’s when the fake handyman boyfriend comes in to ruin the day even more.
He rolls up his sleeves, gets his hands dirty, and sets the project back three weeks because of his incompetence. It’s hard to blame him because at least he tried, right? Wrong. This article is going to tell you how to spot a fake handyman and give you the raw footage of what can happen when you let a phony try to fix stuff. Viewer discretion is advised.
Ladder Count Matters
A true handyman will have a ladder for everything. He won’t just rely on one ladder to change a light bulb AND trim the massive tree outside.
Go right now to your garage and do a ladder check. If you only see one ladder, well, your next steps are to back away slowly and pack up your bags. He’s not the handyman you thought he was. If you’re supposed to “be” the handyman, get at least six ladders.
Bandaid Solutions To Systemic Problems
You’re going to be seeing a common trend in this article. Boyfriends and husbands who think that they’re handymen are known for putting bandaid solutions over systemic problems.
There’s no better picture to describe this than a literal bandaid overtop of a massive crack in the side of a truck. This is incredibly lazy. I guess if the truck bleeds there’s going to be no spillage, but until then, this isn’t effective.
“Duct Tape Fixes Everything”
Can we just talk about how annoying cracks in the sidewalk are? My best guess would be that these elevated cracks are the cause of 68% of stubbed toes around the world.
It’s hard to blame a handyman for wanting to fix this if it’s right outside of his house, but this isn’t going to do it. If you’re in the “duct tape fixes everything” crew, this picture should be the straw that broke the camel’s back. Hand in the resignation letter.
We Need More Saran Wrap
You’re about to walk into your favorite candy store and you see that the beam is fixed like this. What do you do? Do you quickly run in and risk death for a couple packages of sour Skittles?
Or, do you drive down the street in hopes of finding another candy store with sour Skittles? Yeah, you’re right. I’m running in, saying a quick prayer while being completely at peace with going to the promise land in a candy store.
Pull Some Strings
When there’s a leak in the ceiling, an educated handyman would never go straight to the jumbo tampons as the solution. In theory, this would be laughable, but by looking at this picture it doesn’t look all that bad.
Not only will they absorb everything liquid you need them to (just ask your lady friend), but they’re also very easy to get out once they’ve done their job. You just have to find your inner tampon thief and pull some strings. Get it? It’s a work in progress.
The Frat Head
This is what’s going to happen 99.9 times out of 100 when you leave your boyfriend, who is still stuck in his college frat years, to do all of your handy work.
While some people are apart of the duct tape crew, frat guys think that beer fixes everything for them. Well, to be fair, it did in college. Fail an exam? Beer. Depressed about your crush finding another dude? Beer. 10 minutes into studying the night before your final and you realize you’re screwed? Beer.
Putting an extension on your house is a tough job. You should probably get a professional to do it, or else your handyman hubby might just park the van out front of your house and throw something together.
The issue is that he’ll never admit that this looks like trash. He’ll keep showing you the picture that he was “inspired” by on Pinterest, even though the two beside each other look like a bad ‘before and after.’
Scar Your Kids For Life With These Lamps
Here’s the thing, lamps aren’t even expensive. Why do you need to make a DIY one that looks like Chuckie’s distant cousin who is staring directly into the sun?
Just go out to a thrift store and lay down two bucks for a lamp. When your handyman husband decides that he’s going to put this Satan-like lamp in your kid’s room, it’s time to sneak out with your child and hide away. You can’t let that happen.
The Bronx Bombers
If your boyfriend is a huge New York Yankees fan but he’s too cheap to go out and actually buy you a legitimate Yankees hat, it’s a red flag.
If he spends most of his time gluing the logo to a black hat instead of bowing to the George Steinbrenner statue at Yankee stadium, it’s time to move on. Your DIY boyfriend just turned into your DI-BYE boyfriend very quickly.
A “Coated” Buick
So here’s the first red flag with this picture. Your boyfriend bought a Buick and thought that he could somehow make it ride in style. That shows that his decision making is probably sub-par.
But, when he said he was getting it “coated” gold and black, he meant with spray paint. That’s a tough sell for anyone who has any morals or integrity in themselves and the people around them.
A Grill And Cooler Combo
When your handyman boyfriend asked you what you wanted for Christmas and you said, “a grill and cooler” this is probably not what you envisioned.
This is the crappiest version you could possibly find, both literally and figuratively. “Hey Hunny, can you grab the burger patties, I need to throw them into the toilet,” is not something I want to have to hear before dinner. Knowing multiple people took a deuce where my sausages are getting cook is worse than food poisoning.
Some Will Be Better Than Others
The best part about this “solution” is that you’ll get to truly hear how musical your friends are. The bottle of rocks is an actual instrument that some people use in bands.
So, if your friend is musical, they’ll probably shake it to a beat and maybe even give you some falsetto when they call your name. Your non-musical friends won’t know what to do and their shakes will be very disappointing.
Ted Bundy, Is That You?
Okay, I get it, it’s not politically correct to say that someone reminds you of a mass serial killer like Ted Bundy. But, it’s not rude to say that they have Ted Bundy tendencies.
If this is how your handyman husband cuts his vegetables, he’s probably off his rocker. In fact, look in the basement for bodies because if he’s willing to tape a knife to a fan, he’s willing to take a life.
He Just Makes It Worse
Let’s stop beating around the bush about what this article is truly about. The major theme here is that your “handyman” boyfriend only makes things worse. There’s a level of arrogance and ignorance that a pseudo-handyman carrys around with him.
He’ll never admit he did anything wrong, or that his “fix” is awful. He could literally fall through the ceiling and act like it was all part of the bigger picture.
Most fake handymen don’t get their skills from out of the blue. Oh no, they usually get it from their fake handyman father who instilled a level of “there’s nothing I can’t fix” into them.
This dad could’ve bought a bush trimmer, but instead, he bought a lawnmower and a crane so that he can get to the hard-to-reach areas. I’m not a doctor, but I feel like this isn’t effective.
If This Is Ikea…
If you’ve ever had to put together ANYTHING from Ikea, you know that it’s impossible. The instructions come in 17 languages, yet NO ONE understands how to put together a three-piece shelving unit.
The last person that needs to be putting together your Ikea bed frame is, you guessed it, your handyman husband. Why? Because any tiny screwup in the process will result in 64 extra days of work trying to put it back together. This man now has to sleep with a step ladder in his back.
One way to catch a fake handyman boyfriend before they fully infiltrate your life and ruin it forever is to ask them about staircases. Fake handymen LOVE staircases.
If it was up to them, they’d have six staircases for a two-story house. They’ll put them everywhere without any consideration of the floor layout. For example, this fake handyman blocked in someone’s room. This person hasn’t seen the light of day since.
Another Day, Another Awful Staircase
Here’s another example of a staircase that just didn’t need to happen. It was forced by a fake handyman who “needed” a third staircase going down to the tiny basement.
When you get to the point where your days revolve around forcing ANOTHER staircase into your house, you need to go on Dr. Phil or something. At this point, it’s an addiction. There needs to be some sort of fake handyman counseling. Too much damage is being done.
“A Straight Line Is Too Boring”
Another way that you can catch a fake handyman before he decides to make your house his playground is by the phrases he uses. If he ever says something looks “boring” or talks about a conventional way to fix something and calls it “boring,” you know he’s fake.
This fake handyman said that having lights in a straight line is “boring” and now look at this hallway. This is the ‘straight-line’ your handyman boyfriend walked after a few too many beers.
This Is Stressful To Look At
There’s nothing worse than having a bathroom tap that isn’t consistently predictable. You want to be able to go to the bathroom and not have to worry about water spilling on the floor or shooting out at you.
This handyman made lazy measurements when he went to buy this tap. He felt, like almost all fake handymen, that having a small one just wasn’t going to cut it. He used the saying, “go big or go home.”