If Blacking Out Was A Professional Sport, Here’s Your Starting Lineup

It’s one thing to have some casual drinks with your boys on a Saturday night. It’s something completely different to blackout. Let’s stop beating around the bush here — you’ve done it, and that’s okay. It becomes iffy when you make it a habit to not remember how you got home or why you punched that guy in the face at the bar.

Like any skill, some people are just better at blacking out than others. You have the ones who can drink an ocean of beers and still be coherent and you have the other ones who are actually responsible with their drinking. This article isn’t about either of those. This article shows you who would be on the Olympic team of getting wasted, so enjoy.

Beer Shower Alert

beer beer (4)
Pintrest / xaxor

When you’re in a blackout, no one is safe from getting spilled on around you. Your mind is turned completely off, but your body is ready for a dance party. Those two things usually don’t match all that well.

These two bros are trying to get their nightly Instagram picture and it turned into a beer shower very quickly. Odds are they both don’t even know it’s happening. Besides, the less beer that goes into this dude’s mouth, the better.

Don’t Be The First To Fall Asleep

duct tape (5)
Pintrest / pics-site

The number one rule when you’re at a party should be to not be the first to pass out or fall asleep. Nothing good has ever come from that. If you fall asleep, you’re basically painting a big red “X” on yourself that gives everyone permission to mess with you.

This guy is going to have a rude awakening when he can’t move from the couch. This cocoon doesn’t look like it’s going to break anytime soon.

When You’re Drunk, Everywhere Is A Five Star Hotel

pizza pizza
Twitter / dailydawdle

If you’re going to go on a trip with the girls and you know that you’re going to be drunk for most of it, don’t rent a nice hotel. When you’re drunk, everywhere is a five star.

Like, this girl is using a piece of pizza and a curb to sleep on the street and is probably loving every second of it. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone look so peaceful when they sleep.

Not The Way He Wanted This Night To End

Texas Man
Twitter / @funsted

This man put on one pant leg on at a time, threw on his best “going out” shirt and gave himself a few finger gun blasts in the mirror before heading out. Never would he think his night would end in a picture of him getting his head held up in a mug shot.

There are so many questions that need to be answered, and I have a horrible feeling they never will. Like, what did he do? Was he drinking from a public toilet? Did he fight the pavement?

Balance Gets Trickier With Every Drink

hot tub (1)
Pintrest / edgeilp

There’s a reason that police will make suspected drunk drivers do a roadside test that involves walking in a straight line and standing on one foot. Balance is hard enough when you’re sober, but after a few wobbly sodas, it becomes nearly impossible.

This guy thought he could sit on the edge of a hot tub, which is never a good idea. He’s currently taking a tumble and this one looks like it’s going to be painful.

Stairs Are Tricky Too

beer hat
Pintrest / boozetales

It’s safe to say that staircases are the number one cause of injury for people who are currently in a blackout. The elevation, the sometimes uneven steps, and physical exhaustion that they cause are like traps for a drunk person.

This guy is currently in a blackout and also about to be on his way to the emergency room. It’s just another day, another drunk casualty at the hands of the stairs.

This Took An Interesting Turn

police drunk
Pintrest / boozefails

You have to respect the guts that it takes to call the police on the police while you’re in the back of a police car. Don’t you wish that you always have the confidence you have when you’re drunk?

There’s no way that this man would think about doing this if he was sober. The end result wasn’t good for him considering he did end up getting charged, but he has a story out of it.

The Drunk Pyramid

fall asleep
Twitter / @drunkfails

If you think the Egyptians had a tough time building their pyramids, you’ve obviously never had to build one on a passed out drunk person. How many times do we have to tell you guys to stop being the first ones knocked out for the night?

Not only is this incredibly funny, but it’s also very impressive as well. This should be a lesson that anything is possible when it comes to using your drunk friend as a base to build a structure.

“It’s A Double”

wooopsies
Pintrest / Booze Tails

There’s a reason that bartenders exist. They’re the sober ones monitoring how much alcohol goes in every drink. When the pouring is left up to drunk people, it never turns out very well. Let’s hope that the floor is thirsty because this guy is pouring one out for his homies and isn’t even meaning to.

The best part about this is that he’ll probably think that he just poured himself a double or something.

Toilet Head

pwnage
Pintrest / Booze Tales

There are many stages of being drunk, but the “toilet head” phase is one of the worst. It’s one thing to need to puke because you’re hammered, it’s another thing to need to puke, but you can’t keep your head up straight.

Even the biggest germaphobe will have no problem scraping the sides of the toilet with their noggin when they’ve hit the toilet head level of drunkness. My thoughts are with this girl.

The Point Of No Return

powder powder
Pintrest / Booze Tales

When you’re out drinking with the boys, there comes a moment in time when you hit the point of no return. It’s when all the alcohol hits you at once and you’re hammered, but you NEED to keep drinking.

This guy reached the point of no return about seven drinks ago, and it ended with him getting a whole bag of flour dumped on his limp body. He’s probably had better wake ups.

“I Forget How I Got Home”

hey can you pick
Imgur / elitereloaded

This is a staple for anyone who has ever been in a blackout before. While your night may have been drastically different than your buddy’s, who also blacked out, you’ll both be able to relate to the fact that you don’t remember how you got home.

You might even remember most of the night, but you’ll definitely wake up in your bed not knowing who got you home, or how you got home.

This Would Be A Rude Awakening

twitter cab driver
Twitter / @mikeallison67

Can you imagine the panic of waking up in your cab driver’s house and not knowing how you got there? This looks like it’s straight out of a Liam Neeson movie or something.

I mean, on one hand, you’re thankful he didn’t just leave you in the back of a car, but on the other hand, this is pretty darn creepy no matter what his intentions were. To each their own, I guess.

A Man’s Bestest-Best Friend

i ate it
Twitter / @chadneidt

There are so many reasons why it’s important to have a dog. First of all, they give you unconditional love at all times, they are cuddly, and are clinically shown to reduce stress.

But, one of the most overlooked aspects of having a dog is their ability to clean up after you. They don’t discriminate what they put in their mouth. They’ll eat their own frozen poop or even gobble up your vomit if they have to.

The Hangover Head Tilt

the hangover
Pintrest

There’s nothing worse than waking up from a blackout and feeling dead from the inside- out. If you don’t know what it feels like to have your blood actually hurt, you’ve probably not had a bad enough hangover.

Your head feels like it weighs 1000 pounds as you wither away in self-pity. The phrase “I’m never drinking again” is said probably 60 times that day. This picture perfectly describes how these hangovers feel.

Drunk Logic Never Fails To Amaze

my path to door
Imgur / SymbiotePhoto

There’s nothing like the good old blackout stroll through the neighborhood. For whatever reason, when you get drunk, you just feel the need to walk everywhere. Like, I’m Ubering to my friend’s house that lives on the same block as me, but when I’m drunk I could walk across the world and back.

There has to be some sort of science in the act of walking somehow curing your double vision. Someone look it up.

When You Go To The Bar And Lose A Leg

left leg
Twitter / @lessons_learnt

It’s safe to say we’ve all had some pretty bad nights. It’s when we were underage and had a whole night planned out only to have our fake ID taken at the first bar. Or, it could be the nights when your entire squad gets into a fight and every single one of your loses.

Well, y’all can rejoice because we have officially found the person who had the worst night in the world. If you go out and you lose your leg, that’s a whole other level of tragic.

A Four Second Attention Span

pizza bike
Twitter / @DrunkFails

It shouldn’t come as too much of a surprise that when you’re in a blackout, you have a four-second attention span. This guy probably got home from the bar, realized he wanted drunk pizza, biked to the pizza shop and then biked home and completely forgot that he went to get pizza.

We do have to give him some credit with how he stored this pizza in his water bottle holder though.

Don’t Be THAT Friend

in toilet
Pintrest / Booze Fails

Every friend group has that one person who always gets way too drunk and can barely make it home. If you don’t think your squad has one, I hate to inform you, but that person is you.

This is the person that gets way too hammered at the bar and ends up spending the last hour of their night in the washroom with stuff coming out of every hole and pore in their body.

Not His Best Night

puke puke
Pintrest / dumbdrops

If you dabble in the binge drinking (aka what old people call having more than four drinks in four hours), you’ve probably had a night like this. You’re just laying in your bed drunk while the world just spins around you and your puke just sneaks up on you.

Not sure why it doesn’t feel the need to give you a heads up, which is extremely rude of your puke.